Who Let The Dogs Out?
by Speaker for the Dead aka 17
Summary: Inane Voyager fanfic. When Chakotay gets in trouble with the captain, he mysteriously disappears.
1. Peanuts and Punishment

font color = seagreen font face = verdana  
h2Who Let the Dogs Out? (part one)/h2  
h4Another Five-Minute Voyager Squigglet courtesy of TaTTooGaL/h4  
font size = -1  
It was nearly the end of a long, hard day for the crew of the emStarship Voyager/em, and everyone was starving. They filed into the conference lounge, whining and moaning. "Can't we have dinner first?" grumbled Paris, as he stepped into the lounge. He was instantly silenced by a sharp glance from his captain.P  
Neelix's eyes suddenly widened. "Are those peanuts I see, Captain?" he asked, gesturing to a red dish on the table.P  
"Those are emmy/em peanuts, Mr Neelix," said Janeway in irritation, "and nobody touches them. emNobody./em" She glanced pointedly at the rest of the crew at this. Unhappliy, the crew filed into their seats as the captain began droning on about a new mission to explore some interesting nebula somewhere. Nobody was paying attention, although Tuvok tried to pretend that he did, nodding at appropriate pauses in the captain's speech. Everyone's focus was the red plate of peanuts lying on the table.P  
Finally, Chakotay couldn't resist the temptation anymore. He sneaked his hand over to the plate of peanuts beside him. emJust one/em, he thought, emjust one..../emP  
Janeway glared at him. "I emsaw/em that, Chakotay..."P  
Chakotay quickly withdrew his hand as if the peanuts had turned into a snake.P  
On the opposite side of Chakotay, Seven too was contemplating the plate of peanuts. However, unlike Chakotay, she was actually emthinking/em. You could practically hear the cogs in her head clicking. Under the table, she lashed out at Chakotay's chair with enough force to knock it sideways, which, incidentally, it did. Chakotay went flying out of his chair and into the captain's arms. Seven took advantage of the momentary distraction to whisk the plate of peanuts out of sight.P  
Janeway pushed him away in disgust. "Commander! What in the world do you think you're doing?"P  
Seven took some of the peanuts and passed the plate to the Holodoc. He didn't take any, not having a stomach, but instead passed it on to Neelix.P  
"Erm... I fell out of my chair?" replied Chakotay.P  
Neelix took some and passed it to Torres, who then passed it to Paris, then Harry.P  
Janeway glowered at Chakotay. "You better not have been trying to take my peanuts. Return to your seat."P  
Chakotay sat back down, glaring at Seven, as the captain turned her back to them and continued mapping out portions of the nebula. Then he noticed that the peanuts were gone. emYou evil devil!/em he mouthed at her. Seven merely raised her eyebrow archly.P  
Harry took the peanuts and passed the plate to Tuvok, who refused to look at it, trying to look disapproving. The crew waited with bated breath. Would Tuvok tell on them?P  
Finally, Tuvok accepted the plate, took a couple of peanuts and passed it to Chakotay.P  
The crew let out a silent cheer.P  
There were only a handful of peanuts left: the plate had come full circle, and Chakotay faced the task of replacing the plate. He took the rest of the peanuts and waited for right moment, then he lunged forward quickly and replaced the plate. "Well done," muttered Harry.P  
Janeway, however, chose that moment to turn around. She suddenly noticed that the plate of peanuts on her table was now empty. Shocked, she glared at the crew. "Who took my peanuts?" she demanded.P  
Silence.P  
Janeway stared at Chakotay. "Did you take them, Chakotay?"P  
Chakotay winced, unable to lie to his captain. "Err... some..."P  
Janeway placed her hands on her hips and fried Chakotay with a formidable Death Glare. He shrank in his seat. "I want to see you after this meeting," she drawled dangerously. She turned around and resumed her lecture.P  
Chakotay glared at Seven. "This is all your fault!" he mouthed to her. Seven shrugged.P  
"We're sorry," Paris mouthed as well as he could, stuffing the peanuts into his mouth.P  
Janeway turned around and noticed that they all seemed to be chewing on something. She rounded on Paris. "What are you eating, Lieutenant?" she asked.P  
Every jaw in the room instantly stopped moving.P  
Paris withered under her glare. "Peanuts, ma'am."P  
"MY peanuts?!? What the-" She turned a level-10 Death Glare on Paris. "What did I last say?" she asked.P  
"MY peanuts?!? What the-" he replied.P  
Janeway gave him the look universally recognized to mean, Boy, Paris, are you EVER stupid, and said, "About the nebula, Mr Soon-to-be-Ensign!"P  
Paris gulped. "Uh... that's it's full of gas?"P  
Janeway threw up her hands in frustration. "Did any of you actually hear what I said about the purple sentient cloud nebula?"P  
Nobody moved.P  
"Okay. I'll try this. How many of you are eating my peanuts?"P  
At first, there was silence in the room. Then slowly, a couple of hands came up around the room: Harry and Paris, trying to look innocent, not looking at the captain. Finally everyone more or less had a hand up in the air, even Tuvok, who looked less implaccable than usual. The doctor, on the other hand, just sat calmly where he was with a smug ha-ha-I'm-invincible look on his face.P  
Janeway sighed with all the pomposity of a Math teacher finding that her class had, as usual, skipped half the lectures and burnt all their tutorials. She headed back to the front of the conference room, and as she passed Chakotay, she dug her index finger into his shoulder and muttered sotto voce, "You are emso/em going to get it from me." Chakotay shrunk in his chair to the point where only his tattoo was showing. P  
The captain glared sternly at the crew. "I can see that talking to any of you now is a totally pointless exercise and nothing is going to get into your thick skulls when you are hungry." With a martyred look, she added,"You are all dismissed...", and Chakotay heaved a sigh of relief.P  
"..except for Commander Chakotay." she added, casting Chakotay a sharp glance.P  
Chakotay's heart sank. He knew it was too good to be true.P  
The crew tried thier best to keep a straight face as they filed out of the conference lounge. As the doors slid shut, they could hear Janeway beginning to rant to Chakotay.P  
The moment the door had slid fully shut, the crew couldn't stand it anymore. They exploded into racous laughter. Harry and Paris were laughing so hard they nearly knocked Torres over. Even Tuvok was looking amused.P  
"Did you see the look on her face!" exclaimed Harry.P  
"Did you see the look on emhis/em face?"countered Torres, and they all exploded in laughter again.P  
The doctor patted Seven on the back. "That was pure genius!" he told her. Seven beamed wickedly.P  
"Well, but I must admit, it was being a little mean on Chakotay..."said Paris thoughfully. Then he grinned. "But heck, we don't care, do we?"P  
Harry leaned against the bulkhead, winded from laughing too hard. "I'd say it's sweet justice,"he said, and this started the crew cracking up again.P  
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	2. The Disappearing and The Dog

font color = seagreen font face = verdana size = -1  
h2Who Let The Dogs Out? (part two)/h2  
h4Another Five Minute Voyager Squigglet courtesy of TaTTooGaL/h4  
Chakotay moped unhappily out of his room the next morning. What kind of sadistic person, aside from Bill Gates and Math teachers, would have inflicted this kind of punishment on him? He wondered. Nothing to eat but salad for a whole week! Even leola root stew would have been welcome. Or maybe even something out of Taco Bell or an airline catering service(urrgh). But not salad!P  
With a sigh he headed out of his room, only to be violently assaulted by a formless purple thingey. Before he could yelp "Call 911!", there was a flash of light, and things suddenly changed.P  
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The whole crew stared at Janeway in shock. "A whole week of nothing but salad?" gasped Torres. Everyone looked scandalised.P  
"Isn't that being a little harsh on him?" asked Harry. "I mean, you could, like, make him watch all the presidental debates, or something..."P  
At that, Paris elbowed him. "Don't give her nifty ideas, Harry!"P  
Janeway shook her head. "That's my decision, and it's final." She stalked out of the mess hall.P  
Once she was gone everyone started talking.P  
"Neelix, you can't do that to him, you can't-"P  
"Seven this is all your fault-"P  
"I have to! Captain's orders!"P  
"Maybe if we all gave him a bit of our food-"P  
"And where in the world emis/em he?"P  
"Maybe he doesn't want breakfast-"P  
"That would not be logical-"P  
"Yes, where emis/em he?" Seven frowned. "We should... apologize."P  
Yes, where emwas/em he anyway?P  
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As Janeway returned to her quarters, she couldn't help feeling a little guilty. After all, Chakotay had been hungry. Was she being too mean to him?P  
The she notice that there was large black Labrador puppy sitting in the middle of her room, whining.P  
At once, her heart melted. She went over and picked the puppy up. It nuzzled her and whined desperately. Then a sneaking suspicion crept into her mind. "Chakotay," she said aloud, "if this is some ploy of yours, it's not going to work." She dumped the puppy on the floor. "I'll have you know Q tried to play the same trick on me." P  
On the floor, the puppy began to yelp. "Awww, don't cry," said Janeway, immediately picking it up again. "Mommy'll keep you. But-"and she addressed the air again- "Chakotay will emstill/em have to eat salad for a week!" And she retired to the couch to read, stroking the puppy, who still whined softly.P  
After a while, she pondered. "Janeway to Chakotay," she said, hitting her commbadge. There was no response. Janeway blinked, and repeated herself. Still the same. She glanced at the puppy worriedly. "Do you think he's angry with me?" she asked it. She decided to find him. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay.P  
"Commander Chakotay is not on this ship."P  
A pause. "What?"P  
"Commander Chakotay is not on this ship."P  
The colour drained from her face. "This is terrible!" She faced the puppy in worry. "We've got to find him!"P  
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In the conference lounge, Janeway paced restlessly, wringing her hands in worry. "What if he's decided that he's sick and tired of me... or maybe he's been kidnapped... or been emkilled!/em" At that prospect, she collapsed into the nearest chair, on the verge of tears. "And the last thing I said to him was..."P  
Seven looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Actually... I have something to tell you."P  
Janeway gave her an intense look. "What?"P  
With typical Borg bluntness, Seven admitted, "I took the peanuts and framed him."P  
The shock compounded on Janeway's face, then she crumpled onto the table in a miserable sobbing pile. "I wronged him, and now he's gone! I'll never see him again to tell him how sorry I am..."P  
Tuvok patted her arm. "Don't get too upset, Captain."P  
Janeway looked up and gave him a pathetic look. "What do you want me to do, promote all of you and hold a celebration?"P  
"That doesn't sound too bad..." muttered Harry. Torres elbowed him. Hard.P  
Tuvok nudged the puppy with his foot as it lay flopped on the floor with a very resigned look on its face. "Where did you get this?"P  
Janeway looked irritated. "How would I know? He just appeared in my room."P  
Tuvok nodded. "Isn't it a strange coincidence that Chakotay mysteriously disappears, and this creature mysteriously appears in your room? It is not a hologram, and replicators cannot create living matter." The puppy sat up excitedly.P  
"Are you trying to say that.. Commander Chakotay has turned into a dog?" asked the Doctor. "That's ridiculous."P  
Tuvok shrugged. "Stranger things have happened."P  
Janeway picked the puppy up. "emAre/em you Chakotay, darling?"she asked. The puppy wagged its tail wildly.P  
"Oh!" Janeway clutched the puppy tightly to her. "Chakotay! I'm so sorry! Who did this to you?"P  
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	3. The Mystery is Solved!!!

font face = verdana size = -1 font color = seagreen  
h2Who Let The Dogs Out? (part three)/h2  
h4Another Five Minute Voyager Squigglet courtesy of TaTTooGaL/h4  
Captain's Log Supplemental, Stardate 74656. emOtherwise, it has been an exhausting few days. A mysterious entity has transformed Commander Chakotay into a large black Labrador for no apparent reason. Although most of the crew agree that this causes little significant change to him, I disagree. It is simply ridiculous to have a dog for a first mate and a sleeping partner-oops, did I say that aloud? Nevermind. As I said, it is simply ridiculous and the entity responsible must be found. End Log./emP  
Janeway was having beautiful dreams of living on a paradise planet of coffee beans free of lawyers, Microsoft and commercial breaks. She was on the beach having the time of her life when she fell facedown in the sand and the waves kept getting in her face.P  
Then she woke up and she realised it was Chakotay licking her face, trying to wake her up. She groaned and stuffed her head under the pillow. Chakotay whined and tried to pull the pillow away. She grabed it hard and shoved her head in deeper. "Go 'way, Chaks," she muttered from under the pillow sleepily. "Or you're sleeping on the floor tommorow..."P  
Chakotay sat up and whined and howled. Janeway gave up, sat up and shoved her pillow up Chakotay's snout. The dog rolled off the bed and ended up on the floor, whining loudly indignantly. "Serves you right," she muttered, grumpily slouching towards the sonic shower.P  
Chakotay followed her and began scratching on the shower door. "Stop it Chaks, I'm not letting you in." Still the scratching continued. "For heaven's sake, Chaks! I'm undressed!" The scratching intensified. Janeway groaned. "Get away, you perverted little..." She pulled on a grey bathrobe, and with all her strength, threw a large yellow towel out at Chakotay. The whining ceased.P  
Smirking, Janeway snapped the shower door shut. She was about to continue her bath when she suddenly realised there was a purple floaty thingey with her in the cubicle.P  
Janeway screamed.P  
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Tuvok pounded frantically on the door to the captain's quarters. He could hear a lot of screaming and barking, and not much else.P  
"Allow me, Tuvok," said B'Elanna politely, phaser rifle in hand. She raised the rifle, and blew a huge smoking hole in the captain's door. Everyone rushed in.P  
Tuvok linked in surprise. Janeway was on the floor, being held down by the neck by some purple floating thingey. "DOOSH MOOF FOOM!!" it gibbered at Tuvok. Chakotay was running around in circles, barking wildly. P  
"Do something!" Janeway shrieked at Tuvok. Neelix chose this moment to arrive to nosey around. One look at the situation and he had the good sense to turn and run in the opposite direction.  
Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "That may not be as easy as it seems."P  
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The whole crew was in the conference room, where the purple floating thingey was holding the captain hostage. It had its tentacles wrapped around her neck, and was gibbering wildly. "DOOSH MOOF DOOSH FOOM!" it yelled. "DOOSH FOOM FOOM!"P  
"Anyone actaully understand what it's saying?" wondered Harry.P  
"Maybe 'I'm hungry'," suggested the Holodoc.P  
The crew glanced at each other. "Maybe if we emfed/em it..." said Neelix thoughtfully.P  
Chakotay hopped up on the table and whimpered. He was holding a red dish of peanuts in his mouth.P  
Janeway's eyes widened. "Chakotay! How many times do I have to tell you? YOU. DON'T. TOUCH. MY. PEA-bgaak/b!" Her rant was cut off midway as the purple floating thingey yanked back hard on her neck. Then it noticed the plate of peanuts Chakotay was holding. With a barely perceptible gibbering it released Janeway, grabbed it eagerly and wolfed it down. Then it turned gratefully to Chakotay and gibbered some more and then disappeared in a poof of light. P  
Janeway still looked stunned. "You mean all that nebula wanted was my peanuts?" She looked around. "Where's Chakotay?"P  
From under the table came a muffled sound. "I'm here," he mumbled. "Could someone beam me a uniform, please?"P  
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The next morning everyone was in the mess hall when the captain arrived. "I have an announcement to make," she told them, as Neelix started serving small bowls of soup to them.P  
"Because of you abominable behaviour during our last crew conference, all of you have to be punished. For the rest of the week, all you have to eat willl be these bowls of leola root stew..."P  
Everyone looked at their puny bowls of gooey brown stuff in horror.P  
"...except for Commander Chakotay, who will still adhee to his punishment of salad for every meal." As she said that, Neelix set a huge bowl of fresh green salad topped with mounds of chopped nuts, fruit chunks and slathers of thousand island sauce in front of Chakotay. Janeway patted his shoulder and added, "You can eat in my quarters if you want," and she winked at him. The she left the room.P  
Everyone stared at Chakotay's bowl with murderous hunger. Chakotay grinned weakly, then told the, "I think I'll accept the captain's offer after all," he said. Then he picked up his salad and ran out of the mess hall after the captain.P  
bThe End/b 


End file.
